From inner struggle to flow: 3 steps to self-leadership
Leadership is a journey that begins within, navigating the complexities of our emotions. Picture two wolves within us: one embodies our triggered state, filled with anxiety and defensiveness, while the other represents our free state, exuding calm and composure. (Catch-up by reading our previous article Leadership Lessons from the Two Wolves Within.)
Leadership starts by taming our triggered wolf and nourishing our free wolf within. Then, and only then, can we lead with impact and heart. In this article, we identify the 3 steps to self-leadership.
Know thy state
The first step to self-leadership is self-awareness. Are you triggered or are you free? This isn't just a philosophical question—it's a practical one with significant implications. When you identify your state, you transition from being a passive observer to an active participant in your life. You can then consciously choose to either calm your inner turmoil or savour your peace.
The 4 ways of being
Whether you are triggered or free, and whether you are conscious or not of your state, you can find yourself in 4 different ways of being:
Avoidance: you are unconsciously triggered. You may have unhelpful thoughts or uncomfortable feelings and you ignore or avoid them, hoping that their grasp on you will go away.
Example: you just presented in the boardroom and someone asked a question that you think is challenging. Your body is more tense, your palms are sweaty, you are blaming yourself and the person who asked the question, but you don’t realise that you have been hijacked by a trigger.
Struggle: you are consciously triggered. You recognise your unpleasant emotions and thoughts, and you struggle to overcome them.
Example: using the same scenario as above with the difference that you acknowledge your body sensations and thoughts - even though you would like them to dissipate. You struggle to stay focused on the discussion.
Cruise: you are unconsciously free. You are doing or thinking without appreciating the moment.
Example: you are taking a walk lost in your thoughts. Maybe you are working on a task and thinking about something else.
Flow: you are consciously free.
Example: you are working on a task that gives you joy and you are appreciating it. Or you may be intentionally looking for what you appreciate about what you’re doing, even if it does not have much meaning or gives you much pleasure overall. Or you were triggered and managed to process your unpleasant emotion and made peace with what happened. You can consciously and wisely choose the next best action.
My personal experience
For the larger part of my life, I was ignorant of the distinction between being triggered and free.
I could physically experience my strongly unpleasant emotions. I remember narrowly avoiding a car whilst driving and feeling a bolt of energy through my arms, my body hair rising and sensing a ball in my stomach. At that point I could not help but feel my fear. The rest of the time I would be in avoidance. I could feel anxiety about giving a presentation or feel anger at someone and I would do my best to avoid them.
It’s when I started meditating, age 32 or 33, that I realised the depth and breadth of my triggered state. I spent far more time in the triggered state and it had a far more powerful impact on my body than I would have liked. At first I judged my emotions and myself for being weak. I tried to “control” my emotions, in vain. I was very much in the struggle way of being.
I had a glimmer of hope at my first Vipassana retreat, where I learnt to sit still while experiencing unpleasant emotions. It is only when I was able to embrace my unpleasant emotions with love that I could find far more flow. More on this in future articles.
Being in flow is good for you and people around you
Being in flow brings many benefits. It enhances our performance. It helps us appreciate life’s gifts. It gives us access to more useful perspectives when we’re facing a challenge. In flow we communicate far more effectively and impactfully. We are far more creative. Many artists find flow by transcending their triggers (fears, sorrows, pains, anger etc) into their creations. We affirm ourselves compassionately. We can find win-win solutions where struggle brings conflict. We inspire others towards flow
The more time you spend in flow, the more impactful and wholehearted your leadership will be. The quality of your self-leadership depends on your ability to spend more time in flow.
The 3 steps to flow
Following these steps will help you find more flow at work and outside of work.
Identify your state: recognize whether you're triggered or free. This awareness is the foundation of self-leadership.
Tame your triggered self (if triggered): learn to manage your triggers and transition to a state of freedom more quickly.
Nourish your free self (if free): strengthen this state so it can withstand challenges and remain your default.
Take the first step now
Begin by reflecting:
If your awake time is 100%, how would you like your time to be distributed across the four quadrants above?
Then, with pure curiosity, review your typical day or week and assess how much of it you spend in each quadrant above?
Collect data: for the next 24 hours, still in your curious scientist mindset, observe yourself and refine your assessment above.
What’s next
In the next article, we will cover step 1 to help you become more aware of your inner state. whether you are in a triggered or free state.